Written by Tyrone BruinsmaDishonorable Mentions: -Aeon Flux [Dir. Karyn Kusama] -The Amityville Horror [Dir. Andrew Douglas] -Bewitched [Dir. Nora Ephron] -Boogeyman [Dir. Stephen Kay] -Cerberus: The Guardian of Hell [Dir. John Terlesky] -Cursed [Dir. Wes Craven] -Dark Water [Dir. Walter Salles] -Derailed [Dir. Mikael Håfström] -Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo [Dir. Mike Bigelow] -Dirty Love [Dir. John Mallory Asher] -Double Down [Dir. Neill Breen] -Elektra [Dir. Rob Bowman] -Elizabethtown [Dir. Cameron Crowe] -Final Contract: Death on Delivery [Dir. Axel Sand] -The Fog [Dir. Rupert Wainwright] -The Great Raid [Dir. John Dahl] -Hide and Seek [Dir. John Polson] -Left Behind: World at War [Dir. Craig R. Baxley] -The Legend of Zorro [Dir. Martin Campbell] -Madhouse [Dir. William Butler] -Memoirs of a Geisha [Dir. Rob Marshall] -Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous [Dir. John Pasquin] -Mr. & Mrs. Smith [Dir. Doug Liman] -The Pacifier [Dir. Adam Shankman] -The Producers [Dir. Susan Stroman] -Raging Sharks [Dir. Danny Lerner] -The Ring Two [Dir. Hideo Nakata] -Survival Island (Three) [Dir. Stewart Raffill] -Terrors of Planet 3-D (Disaster!) [Dir. Roy T. Wood] -The Wedding Date [Dir. Clare Kilner] -White Noise [Dir. Gregory Sax] -World Trade Center [Dir. Oliver Stone] -XXX: State of the Union [Dir. Lee Tamahori] -Zombie Nation [Dir. Ulli Lommel] 10. Mulan 2 [Dir. Darrell Rooney and Lynne Southerland]The original Mulan movie from 1998 is easily one of Disney animation’s best films, whereas its direct-to-DVD sequel is just bad. While the animation quality is stronger than other efforts like Hunchback of Notre Dame 2 or Little Mermaid 2, there’s not much to animate as it lacks action scenes and feels more like a sit-com. The returning cast is fine with newcomers Lucy Liu and Sandra Oh doing a great job and impressionist Mark Moseley could fool anyone into thinking he was Eddie Murphy as Mushu from the original. But the low stakes story, it's a poor attempt at drama and lack of the original’s perfection make it an extremely disappointing entity. At least the songs are nice and it’s better than the live action remake. 9. A Sound of Thunder [Dir. Peter Hyams]Here’s a film that was screwed over by Franchise Pictures, the same company that made Battlefield Earth. The promised budget for the extensive postproduction CGI effects was never given, so many of the effects are literally at the tech demo/pre-visualization phase. Unfortunately, even with fixed effects-the film wouldn’t be strong enough to fully work. A large-scale time travel film exploring the butterfly effect should be great, but the film isn’t the elevated sci-fi epic it dreams of thanks to a lacking script. It’s also not paced well enough to be a fun or scary monster movie as it takes too long to get to the fun stuff. Despite the strong cast, it’s just a rather dull film that you can imagine the better version of. 8. Cry Wolf [Dir. Jeff WadlowBefore he made terrible Blumhouse films like Truth or Dare and Fantasy Island, Jeff Wadlow made this very bad slasher. Cry Wolf is such a lackluster film that calling it the skeleton of a slasher script is too much, it's barely the spine of a slasher film. It's mostly a worse version of the already terrible Urban Legend from 1998 (sorry people who like that film) and that film itself was an attempt to rip-off Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer. So essentially, Cry Wolf is the rip-off of an already bad rip-off. The story is bland, there's no cool kills and it's just a waste of time. 7. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory [Dir. Tim Burton]Tim Burton’s second remake yields worse results than his first attempt. Despite the film having impressive production values and visual design-it’s just a bizarre adaptation. Taking all the whimzy out of the original story for mean spirited cynicism creates a film that feels angry and nasty in tone. Johnny Depp’s Michael Jackson impersonation just feels too dated and off putting that I’ve no idea why anyone thought this was a good idea. While the musical numbers are somewhat good, they’re not in service to anything and the overall story is pretty bad. Tim Burton really just should avoid remaking movies considering he’s made 4 and none of them are good. 6. Alone in the Dark [Dir. Uwe Boll]One of Uwe Boll’s infamously bad video game movies, Alone in the Dark is kind of passable as regular garbage. It follows none of the source material, opens with one of the worst opening text crawls in film history and makes very little sense. But at least it has some dumb, poorly made Matrix style action scenes of Xenomorph rip-offs murdering guys to be mind-numbing background filler. I’ve seen worse from Uwe Boll, and this just feels like the cheapest junk food you can bear to eat. 5. Fantastic Four [Dir. Tim Story]Marvel’s first family in their big budget debut is just bad. While I like the cast at face value, the film never gives them anything to do. The superheroes never really save anyone, there’s next to no action and it feels more like the Garfield live action film as opposed to a blockbuster action movie. I will say I liked Michael Chiklis as The Thing and Julian McMahon as Doctor Doom, but that’s about as much praise as I can give. The sequel is mildly better, but screwed up by making the visually amazing Galactus a giant cloud. The remake has become notoriously bad to many people, but it’s better than this. 4. 8mm 2 [Dir. J. S. Cardone]Aside from the fact that this has nothing to do with 1999's 8mm and was only given that title after Sony bought it, this is still a bad erotic thriller. Sure, there's titillating scenes of nudity and sex; but the characters and narrative are boiler plate boredom. There's nothing in here you can't find in better films, with the only other praise I can give being that the nighttime scenes look decent. It really just looks like a grimier day time soap opera, with a stupid end twist that forgets the best twists have an actual purpose. 3. Rent [Dir. Chris Colombus] Rent is a musical supposedly about underprivileged youth struggling to fight the system. In this movie, it’s about people who are terrible and encourage self-destructive behavior in their AIDS infected, recovering addict friends. It should be hard to make your main cast unlikeable but Rent manages to make it feel easy. Most of the cast act like entitled brats with each having their own unlikeable traits: eg. wanting to kill a dog, guilting a recovered drug addict into doing drugs and appropriating other people’s suffering to be a “real” artist. Seriously, I get that it’s supposed to be an anti-systemic oppression movie and to “live each day as your last”, but the methodology around conveying that message ranges from disturbing to eye-rollingly stupid. Director Chris Colombus doesn’t really have a clear vision as he shoots like he’s forgotten filmmaking and most of the cast doesn’t get to achieve anything. I’d say the songs are nice, but most are forgettable aside from 525600 Minutes as the only exception (even if it’s used poorly contextually) and there’s even some cringey line readings in the songs. I like Rosario Dawson, but she should’ve been given the central role. It’s just not good, sorry theater fans. 2. Crash [Dir. Paul Haggis]How this won Best Picture for films of 2005, I’ll never understand. Crash is a film that wants to be about how bad racism is but does so by being racist in of itself. All the characters act like poorly written political cartoons as opposed to real people. One scene has Sandra Bullock walk across the street from Ludacris because she’s racist, with Ludacris commenting on her false belief that all blacks just want to steal from her…before he then steals a car. The film is almost a comedy in mocking how upper-class white Americans view racism, but only unintentionally because people took this film as a serious drama. Many have rightly called out this film’s baffling attempt at discussing or “tackling” racism and it deserves to be known as a universally terrible movie. 1. Son of the Mask [Dir. Lawrence Guterman]In 1994, director Chuck Russell of A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors and The Blob remake adapted the violent The Mask comic into a now classic comedic superhero cartoony romp with Jim Carrey. 11 years later, someone released an abomination of a sequel in the form of Son of the Mask. One might almost believe this movie was a cheap direct-to-dvd sequel cashing in very late, but the film cost 4 times what the original did and looks cheaper than an Uwe Boll film. The premise is weak, the cast is barely conscious and all the effects are ripped straight from uncanny valley hell. It’s ugly, cheap looking and has none of the charm, craft, care or understanding that went into the original film. There’s nothing good in this film and I wouldn’t willingly let anyone of any age watch this, it’s just the worst.
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Written by Tyrone BruinsmaHonorable Mentions: -Angel-A [Dir. Luc Besson] -Assault on Precinct 13 [Dir. Jean-Francois Richet] -Brick [Dir. Rian Johnson] -Brokeback Mountain [Dir. Ang Lee] -The Brothers Grimm [Dir. Terry Gilliam] -The Cave [Dir. Bruce Hunt] -Cinderella Man [Dir. Ron Howard] -Corpse Bride [Dir. Tim Burton and Mike Johnson] -Dead Birds [Dir. Alex Turner] -The Devil’s Rejects [Dir. Rob Zombie] -Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist [Dir. Paul Schrader] -Domino [Dir. Tony Scott] -Duelist [Dir. Lee Myung-se] -Frankenstein Reborn [Dir. Leigh Scott] -Grizzly Man [Dir. Werner Herzog] -Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire [Dir. Mike Newell] -Harsh Times [Dir. David Ayer] -Hitch [Dir. Andy Tennant] -House of Wax [Dir. Jaume Collet-Serra] -Hustle & Flow [Dir. Craig Brewer] -The Island [Dir. Michael Bay] -Into the Blue [Dir. John Stockwell] -The Jacket [Dir. John Maybury] -Kiss Kiss Bang Bang [Dir. Shane Black] -Komodo vs. Cobra [Dir. Jim Wynorski] -Land of the Dead [Dir. George A. Romero] -Lord of War [Dir. Andrew Niccol] -Lords of Dogtown [Dir. Catherine Hardwicke] -MirrorMask [Dir. Dave McKean] -The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello [Dir. Anthony Lucas] -Pusher 3 [Dir. Nicolas Winding Refn] -Red Eye [Dir. Wes Craven] -Seven Swords [Dir. Tsui Hark] -2001 Maniacs [Dir. Tim Sullivan] -War of the Worlds [Dir. Steven Spielberg] -Where the Truth Lies [Dir. Atom Egoyan] -The White Countess [Dir. James Ivory] 20. Doom (Extended Edition) [Dir. Andrzej Bartkowiak]Shut up, I don't care-I like this film. This still stands as one of the best video game adaptations of a video game brought to cinema (the 2019 reboot makes this look like an Oscar winner) and a solid piece of entertainment in-of itself. The cast of mostly wise cracking dudes and Rosmund Pike do well, it manages to pace itself similarly to Aliens and adapts the Doom 3 plot in interesting ways. I like the horror and action scenes, it's funny quite a few times and performances by both The Rock and Karl Urban are great. Plus that first person shooter sequence by VFX specialist Jon Farhat still kicks ass. Yes, the extended edition is better and I'm sad the director's Street Fighter film 4 years later sucked. 19. Feast [Dir. John Gulager]One of the wackiest and craziest horror comedies from the 2000s is this often forgotten gorefest. A creature feature that plays into and subverts its exploitation horror roots, it's got such a maniac energy that it's impossible for genre lovers not to love it. There's plenty of gross and disturbing moments that feel down right absurdist with this film's insane tone. It's the perfect party movie night for horror buffs to fig into...even if the sequels were absolute trash. 18. Saw 2 [Dir. Darren Lynn Bousman]After the smash success of the first Saw, Saw 2 decided to up the stakes, kills and Se7en atmosphere to 11. Considered one of the best sequels alongside 6 and X, Saw 2 sees Donnie Walberg's detective trying to save his son from a group Saw game while face to face with Tobin Bell's Jigsaw. The setting is great, the traps are nasty, the story is solid and the eventual twist is a nice evolution of the first film's. Plus, having more Tobin Bell is an instant win. Truly great stuff. 17. Hostage [Dir. Florent Emilio Siri]I could best describe this film as an art-house version of Die Hard that happens to star Bruce Willis. An action thriller fixated on putting our protagonist in a compromising and intense situation with fiery characters all around, it's one of the more underappreciated action films of its era. Willis gives on of his best performances alongside and amazing supporting cast while a solid "wrong place, wrong time" plot plays out. Special mentions goes to the direction for focusing on visual storytelling and actions as much as possible. 16. The Squid and The Whale [Dir. Noah Baumbach]Feeling much like the lower budgeted version of his 2019 Netflix hit Marriage Story, The Squid and the Whale sees Noah Baumbach perfectly encapsulate s simple dramatic story. Two writers divorcing, causing ripple effects in their two sons is a great premise for a character study. It helps that actors like Jeff Daniels, Laura Linney, Jesse Eisenberg, Anna Paquin and even William Baldwin are at the top of their game. The simplistic directorial format doesn't stunt the creative form and starts Baumbach's gift for getting human performances out of great actors. 15. Syriana [Dir. Stephen Gaghan]Interrogating the 21st century's relationship with the Middle-East on a political level, Stephen Gaghan directs a spiritual successor to his Traffic screenplay from 2000. Following multiple characters, objectives and horrifying realities of this part of the world-Syriana provides a rich tapestry of narratives and performances. The acting from a murder's row of Hollywood's best is on point, the direction and editing is effective and the truly sinister moments linger in your mind. While he'd write and create lackluster works such as 2020's Dolittle and the script for Call of Duty: Ghosts - this remains an impressive work. 14. Jarhead [Dir. Sam Mendes]After directing the overrated (and poorly aged) American Beauty and underrated Raod to Perdition, Sam Mendes directed his first foray into the war genre with Jarhead. Covering a Full Metal Jacket style story about Marien training for the Gulf War, we see the lives, experiences and disconnect of Marines in the war. It is not a film about action or the politics of war, but the effects it has on turning men...into Jarheads. The performances are great, Sam Mendes and Roger Deakins create visually stunning film and it manages to balances the dark humor and raw drama incredibly well with many iconic moments. 13. A History of Violence [Dir. David Cronenberg]The first collaboration between David Cronenberg and Viggo Mortensen, the duo create an awesome crime thriller masterwork with a History of Violence. The perfect "happy life turned upside down" story with one man's actions to defend his town turning into the revelation of the monster he truly is, it's an engaging story with depth. Whether you view it as a man simply accepting that he cannot outrun his past, a Straw Dogs play on social Darwinism and violence, or just a gritty thriller-it's near perfect. The acting, writing and simple direction are just excellent. 12. Sin City [Dir. Robert Rodriguez, Quinten Tarantino and Frank Miller]A perfect piece of neo noir storytelling, comic book adaptation and digital storytelling as a cinematic artwork. Adapted from Frank Miller's graphic novel, Sin City utilizes green screen technology's unreality to bring the ultra-violent stylized world to life akin to 300, MirrorMask, and Sky Captain and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. While green screen technology has become convention (and in many cases, over used and bad) in today's film industry-the creativity of it in the mid 2000s was great. Unapologetically violent and juvenile story, great visuals, perfect casting and aligned minds created Robert Rodriguez's best film. 11. Wolf Creek [Dir. Greg McLean]Every few years an Australian filmmaker reminds the world we exist in cinemas (Mad Max, Crocodile Dundee, Strictly Ballroom, Elvis) and in 2005 that film was Wolf Creek. Inspired by real events in Australia (as well as thematically echoing Australian attitudes), the film is a low-key horror road trip that joined the radically new exploitation horror that was coming out in the wake of Saw and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. It's a hauntingly realized film through simple direction, great performances, effective horror and massive implications. While Greg McLean's follow up Rogue in 2007 would be better in my opinion-attempts to capture Wolf Creek's magic just never clicked again. But the original film still holds up immensely well. 10. Revolver [Dir. Guy Ritchie]After Guy Ritchie's remake of Swept Away-he went quiet in the film industry for a while, but returned with his most interesting film in Revolver. The best way I can describe this film is what if you combined Guy Ritchie's usual British crime flick with Nicolas Winding Refn's Only God Forgives. It's a more serious toned film in the director's career (alongside 2021's Wrath of Man) as a thematically and symbolically driven crime thriller. It's visually engaging, well acted by the great cast and is just a unique experience. Drawing on Kabbalism that Ritchie and his then wife Madonna were going through at the time in relation to the ego-the film is incredibly divisive and there's two very different versions out there. But the version I have is still an enjoyable, engaging and fascinating watch. 9. The New World (The Extended Cut) [Dir. Terrence Malick]Here's basically "What if Disney's Pocahontas wasn't so terrible" the movie. Terrence Mallick after returning to cinema with The Thin Red Line makes a historical epic romance based on the Jamestown settlement. As usual, the film looks amazing thanks to its ghost like camera and practical effects. The cast makes solid work out of Mallick's very stoic and straightforward script, but it really is the environmental experience you get out of it. This film like Mallick's other work makes you feel like you're in this space with these characters and tied to nature. It also handles the historical accuracy better than Pocahontas ever did. 8. Stay [Dir. Marc Forster]From the director of Finding Neverland and future creative head of the Game of Thrones tv series, comes an art house drama near masterpiece. Chris Stuckmann did a great job breaking down the film in this video Is STAY a Misunderstood Gem? - Analyzed and Explained - YouTube and is a reminder that film fans keep cinema alive. Stay is a story and film you need to deconstruct to find the true narrative and emotional throughline, but it's so worth it. It's similar to works like Denis Villeneuve's Enemy or Nicolas Winding Refn's Only God Forgives in that there's a typical drama playing out with artistic details and flourishes throughout. The performances are all great thanks to the committed cast and the script is smarter than you'd think. Seek this out immediately. 7. King Kong (Ultimate Edition) [Dir. Peter Jackson]After completing the Herculean task of perfecting the Lord of the Rings trilogy into celluloid, Peter Jackson set about making a love letter epic to one of his favorite films-1933's King Kong. The Ultimate Edition that runs 3 hours might be a monstrously long film-but it uses that runtime to do a lot. It builds its cast of characters well, creates an amazing world thanks to great practical and CGI effects, has tons of action (including two spectacle scenes not in the theatrical cut) and awesome monster sequences. The direction, performances, playful yet sincere tone and devotion to the source material make it a true Hollywood blockbuster epic. Also, this film going back-to-back with that amazing 3-way V-Rex v.s Kong fight and the skin crawling bug pit scene is just premium Peter Jackson. 6. Cache [Dir. Michael Haneke] Michael Hanke's career is not mainstream, but there'll be at least one film of his you get into. While some may know his films Benny's Video or the remake of Funny Games, my favorite is his film Cache (also known by its English name-Hidden). A simple thriller about mysterious tapes showing up at a family's doorstep (similar to David Lynch's Lost Highway) that develops into a very emotional, very disturbing and culturally symbolic story. I won't spoil the film, but I recommend watching it and then looking up the numerous European historical influences on the story. The acting, direction, sound, story and staging are all pristine. absolutely recommend this. 5. Batman Begins [Dir. Christopher Nolan]After the public shredding Batman and Robin received; Warner Brothers tried rebooting with a Darren Aronofsky and Frank Miller Batman: Year One adaptation, then a Batman v Superman film under Wolfgang Petersen and Andrew Kevin Walker. But eventually the studio hired Memento and Insomnia wunderkind Christopehr Nolan to reboot the caped crusader in this near masterpiece of a superhero film. The screenplay is one of the best comic book film stories to date in structure, pacing and character development. Nolan's simple directing style is effective, the cast is awesome, the atmosphere is incredible and it really does stand up as a changing point in comic book adaptations. 4. Good Night and Good Luck [Dir. George Clooney]While not the most provocative or most in-depth retelling of the Cold War era, George Clooney's biopic about McCarthyism is one of the best films about this time in American history. David Strathairn as Edward R. Murrow is a powerhouse performance in this story about the importance of media and news not controlled by the government. The film is mature, but not inappropriate for younger audiences. The black and white format suits the direction and time period (despite being filmed in color) and is George Clooney's best film to date. Seek this out. 3. Kingdom of Heaven (Director’s Cut) [Dir. Ridley Scott]Ridley Scott's true vision of Kingdom of Heaven is a masterpiece. While the original release was tarnished by test audiences and Fox requesting massive runtime cuts, this Director's Cut (like all of Ridley Scott's Director's Cuts eg. Alien, Blade Runner, Legend etc) is the superior film. A medieval epic with amazing visuals, great performances, true spectacle and a thrilling story. Seriously, this film is genuinely amazing and if you've only seen the 144-minute version - seek out this 3-hour version and watch on the biggest screen. It's one of the modern examples of an old-school Hollywood epic in the vein of Ben-Hur or Lawrence of Arabia. 2. Munich [Dir. Steven Spielberg] The same year Spielberg released a fairly good remake of War of the Worlds, he also released this modern masterpiece of cinema. A spy thriller based on historical events spawning from the 1972 Munich Olympic Massacre, this was the Hollywood film I believe should've won Best Picture over the garbage Crash at the Oscars. Spielberg's direction is gorgeous, stunning, mature and emotionally driven. His ability to focus on the genuine humanity of this dark espionage story is what most similar stories forget. The cast handles this material well and there's never a dull moment in this magnetic story. A must-see. 1. The Descent [Dir. Neil Marshall] While many have argued Western produced horror films had a downturn in the 2000's with remakes and torture-porn genre being quite prolific: there were still some genuine masterpieces from that time. Session 9, Deathwatch and Rogue being some true highlights-but the best horror films of the entire 2000's will be Neil Marshall's The Descent. Coming off the genre hit Dog Soldiers in 2002, Marshall opted to make a dark and emotional rich creature feature akin to Ridley Scott's Alien. What starts off as a group of women explorers getting lost in a cave system turn into a fight for survival with monstrous troglodytes. The film is bloody, emotional, tense, character driven and is absolutely terrifying. The film may never be surpassed in the realms of claustrophobic horror until someone just straight films in a real cave of horrors. The cast did a great job with this deeply dark and emotional story, with the UK ending being both a soul shattering and melancholic final note.
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