Written by Tyrone BruinsmaHonorable Mentions -Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter [Dir. Timur Bekmambetov] -Bait 3D [Dir. Kimble Rendall] -Batman: The Dark Knight Returns [Dir. Jay Oliva] -Cabin in the Woods [Dir. Drew Goddard] -Chasing Ice [Dir. Jeff Orlowski] -Chronicle [Dir. Josh Trank] -The Collection [Dir. Marcus Dunstan] -The Company You Keep [Dir. Robert Redford] -Dangerous Liaisons [Dir. Hur Jin-ho] -The Dark Knight Rises [Dir. Christopher Nolan] -End of Watch [Dir. David Ayer] -Grabbers [Dir. Jon Wright] -The Grey [Dir. Joe Carnahan] -Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack [Dir. Takayuki Hirao] -Hitchcock [Dir. Sacha Gervasi] -Justice League: Doom [Dir. Lauren Montgomery] -Kon-Tiki [Dir. Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg] -Lesson of Evil [Dir. Takashi Miike] -Looper [Dir. Rian Johnson] -Magic Mike [Dir. Steven Soderbergh] -The Man with the Iron Fists [Dir. RZA] -The Paperboy [Dir. Lee Daniels] -Paradise: Faith [Dir. Ulrich Seidl] -Paradise: Love [Dir. Ulrich Seidl] -Passion [Dir. Brian De Palma] -The Perks of Being a Wallflower [Dir. Stephen Chbosky] -Premium Rush [Dir. David Koepp] -Red Tails [Dir. Anthony Hemingway] -Resident Evil: Retribution [Dir. Paul W.S. Anderson] -Safe [Dir. Boaz Yakin] -The Sapphires [Dir. Wayne Blair] -Savages (Extended Version) [Dir. Oliver Stone] -Shame [Dir. Steve McQueen] -Sinister [Dir. Scott Derrickson] -Snow White and the Huntsman [Dir. Rupert Sanders] -Sound of My Voice [Dir. Zal Batmanglij] -Starship Troopers: Invasion [Dir. Shinji Arramaki] -Storage 24 [Dir. Johannes Roberts] -Sushi Girl [Dir. Kern Saxton] -Ted [Dir. Seth MacFarlane] -The Thieves [Dir. Choi Dong-hoon] -To the Wonder [Dir. Terrence Malick] -Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 [Dir. Bill Condon] -Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning [Dir. John Hyams] -V/H/S [Dir. Adam Wingard, David Bruckner, Ti West, Glenn McQuaid, Joe Swanberg, Radio Silence] -Wreck-It Ralph [Dir. Rich Moore] 20. Life of Pi [Dir. Ang Lee]The (current) last great work from Ang Lee is this visually revolutionary work based on the popular book. A story that discusses faith, life and chance in the context of an Indian boy stuck on a boat with a tiger: it’s very engaging. I prefer films that discuss faith like Life of Pi or First Reformed: respecting the audience and telling a story instead of acting as either fear mongering propaganda or choir preaching. Life of Pi has a great cast, but of course is carried by its lead Suraj Sharma. The film is undeniably gorgeous, more than likely setting the stage for films like Disney’s Jungle Book and Lion King remakes. But it’s an industry wide shame that despite this being a box office smash and winning Best Visual Effects at the Oscars, the studio that did the effects were paid so little they closed down. And a big middle finger to The Academy for muting the mic on the VFX members who tried speaking up for their company. You’ll let Will Smith march up on stage, assault Chris Rock before dropping the F-Bomb twice and STILL let him stay to win his Oscar…but you’ll quickly mute the mics on guys speaking up for a better industry. All VFX artists should unionize: directors may have the vision for a film, but the technicians and artists craft that vision to reality. 19. Coriolanus [Dir. Ralph Fiennes]Making a good present day Shakespeare adaptation is extremely hard, but director/actor Ralph Fiennes and screenwriter John Logan achieved a great film here. Based on the political war story by The Bard, this adaptation places it in a modern contemporary setting similar to the likes of The Hurt Locker and The West Wing. It’s an adaptation that speaks to core themes of war, soldiers, political unrest and issues that haven’t changed since Shakespeare’s days. The performances are magnetic with Fiennes being the highlight but also proving himself a worthy director. It’s a supremely effective work of storytelling and performances, while letting the classic Shakespearian jabs feel so fresh. 18. Lincoln [Dir. Steven Spielberg]Steven Spielberg doing a Lincoln biopic about ending slavery with Daniel Day Lewis as the American President is the kind of match made in heaven project that creates a modern classic like this. Alongside other 2012 dramas like Hitchcock, The Master-Lincoln is the kind of star-studded film that Hollywood still does best. What seems like a dry and formulaic film is actually closer to an emotionally driven heist film where the goal is racial equality. This film still rocks, even if it's somewhat drifted from the mainstream memory. 17. Skyfall [Dir. Sam Mendes]While I have my issues with this film, there's no denying that Skyfall working as a fun Bond adventure and a deconstruction of the character in probably the best way possible. While Casino Royale remains both the best Craig Bond era film (and the best Bond film of all time) Skyfall wanted to increase its ambitions. With a $200 Million budget and a 2.5 hour runtime; we got great action set pieces from the opening to the end, great characters written and performed to a T, and a production team who made this film look and flow perfectly. While the more ambitious sequels Spectre and No Time to Die failed to recapture this film-it holds up all on its own. 16. The Avengers [Dir. Joss Whedon]Even if Joss Whedon is absolutely not someone who should get work anymore, there's no denying the cinema defining change The Avengers made on the Blockbuster landscape. Proving that the cinematic storytelling "gimmick" could work for audiences, critics and fans-providing the right mix of character, heart, humor, drama and pure scale action we love. Most of that really comes down to the cast having amazing chemistry, the overall tone, Tom Hiddleston's Loki and the production values thanks to now being owned by Disney. To this day, we largely have to thank this film for the continued inventive creativity of this mega franchise. 15. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Extended Edition) [Dir. Peter Jackson]A decade after Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings took cinema by storm, the New Zealander returned to Middle-Earth with this adaptation of Tolkien’s simpler prelude to the epic trilogy with The Hobbit. As the initial start, An Unexpected Journey is a fun, visually engaging action film with a stellar cast to start this odyssey. It’s not Lord of the Rings, but I still think it’s a fun fantasy adventure ride that holds up a decade later. Martin Freeman is great as Bilbo, I loved Richard Armitage as Thorin Oakenshield, the Gollum scene is amazing and it’s almost a musical in the superior extended edition. Seriously, The Extended Editions are the only way to watch this trilogy. I acknowledge that a LOT of problems occurred behind the scenes of this film. Plans for a Hobbit adaptation started as far back as 2006 and Guillermo Del Toro was tagged in to make his brand of fantasy. Due to New Line being absorbed by Warner Brothers and MGM almost going bankrupt, the multiple studios were desperate for this venture to be a money maker (especially since Harvey Weinstein was entitled to profits off the first film). Del Toro’s vision was dropped despite months of work, with Jackson being forced to direct. 2 films morphed into 3 films and due not having proper pre-production time due to studio set financial models, Jackson was less than keen. But if Jackson didn’t direct, The Hobbit would leave New Zealand and so Jackson unfortunately had to do a bit of film union busting to keep studios happy. There was passion by many involved put into this series, but it wasn’t the same as Lord of the Rings and you can sometimes feel it in the overly CG modified films. I enjoy this trilogy, but acknowledge its production story isn’t the best inspiration for film as art or a business. 14. Prometheus [Dir. Ridley Scott]Ridley Scott’s Alien prequels have been divisive to say the least, but I still think they’re worthy successors to the series he started. Prometheus is hands down the best looking film of 2012, a triumph of cinematography, production values and visual effects. The cast lead by Noomi Rapace, Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender is fantastic, showing Ridley Scott is as much an actor’s director as a visual one. While many have complained about this film’s “stupid” characters, people forget that Alien as a serious is supposed to basically be The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in space. There’s literally a character who smokes weed in the film like a Jason Voorhees victim in the making, we’re here to see people scared and die in gruesome ways. Despite being PG-13 (M in Australia), the film has a few horrifying moments, though the gorier sequel would rightfully earn its R/MA 15+ rating. I love the perfect visual execution, the horror, the cast and the thematic ideas brought up. The only complaint I have is that the deleted Xenomorph mutation scene should have remained. 13. The Bay [Dir. Barry Levinson] From the legendary director of Young Sherlock Holmes, Good Morning Vietnam, Rain Man and Sphere comes one of the best found footage films of all time. The film offers off a unique (somewhat even plausible) take on an outbreak horror story set on the 4th of July Celebration. Using multiple perspectives in the found footage format to give us a grander perspective shows why we should’ve had experienced directors tackle this genre. It’s scary, well told and far superior to the many contemporaries we got at this time. This gets an immense recommendation, even if you’re not a fan of found footage. 12. The Master [Dir. Paul Thomas Anderson]Paul Thomas Anderson's filmography is full of never misses. The Master is everything from a post-World War 2 reflection of American masculinity, the strange friendship between two unusual souls and a criticism of Scientology style cults. Joaquin Phoenix gives an AMAZING performance while Philip Seymour Hoffman gives on of his best and Amy Adams kills it in a very different role for her. The direction, writing, visuals, themes and performances all come together to make a truly incredible film. 11. Argo [Dir. Ben Affleck]Ben Affleck’s third directorial effort is easily his best, (mostly) rightfully winning its Best Picture Oscar. Though it changes a decent amount of historical facts and even the main character’s ethnicity, it’s an incredibly engrossing thriller that barely needs gunfire to keep you on your seat. The real life plot by the CIA to use a film production as a way of smuggling American Embassy workers out of the Iranian Embassy siege of 1979 is still one of the best in recent memory. The cast does solid, but quiet work in maintaining the reality of the film; something many actors showcase films don’t try. It’s well directed, has a great cast, an engaging story and remains one of the better Best Picture winners of recent memory. 10. The Raid [Dir. Gareth Evans]The Raid is one of the best action films of the 21st century, a brutal, contained and immensely well-crafted Die Hard take that becomes its own animal. A group of cops are sent in to take in a drug lord ruling over and apartment complex and it all goes to hell-yeah that's a great premise. And no, Dredd did not rip-off The Raid-Dredd was made first and both films are very different. Despite the gunfights and perfectly choreographed action scenes: the film feels more like an intense survival thriller with Hitchcockian level suspense. It's really well executed, far beyond many contemporary action films and its sequel is just as great. Also, we don't need this remade and Warner Brothers REALLY should've had this director make that Deathstroke movie they were planning. 9. Cloud Atlas [Dir. Wachowskis and Tom Tykwer] From the mind of the creators of The Matrix, along with the director of Run Lola Run comes one of the best science fiction films of the 21st Century. A sci-fi tale about transhumanism, resurrection and the universality of the human experience. The star studded cast including Tom Hanks and Halle Berry sell the ambitious story of souls traveling throughout humanity in different bodies with amazing filmmaking and production values. The somewhat controversial choices in casting in terms of race is something to be explored appropriately in future films, but it absolutely reflects the creators’ ambitious artistic intent. I’m glad they managed to explore it further in their underrated Netflix series Sense8. 8. Samsara [Dir. Ron Fricke] A follow up to works like Koyaanisqatsi and Baraka, Samsara is pure visual cinema. A wordless montage of imagery from around the world in gorgeous 70mm footage that will take your breath away. It explores nature, people and the worlds we have constructed. You’ll find a theme that speaks most to you in watching it. For me it was the patterns within nature and the constructed world, along with how similar humanity is despite completely different worlds. It’s purest cinema, meant to be absorbed as meditation and not entertainment. It won’t be for everyone and not something you’ll watch often, but Samsara remains one of the greatest expressions of cinema as art to date. 7. The Hunt [Dir. Thomas Vinterberg]From Thomas Vinterberg, director of The Celebration made a near masterpiece in this incredibly powerful drama. A story about false allegations causing a community to turn paranoid, is actually a fascinating study into people and society. Less about false allegations unto themselves, and more about how a calm community will seek problems the moment one arises, the difference between a child and adult's minds, and people's predisposition to believe what they've decided. The film feels like it was inspired by the American Satanic Panic of the 80s and 90s in how people will respond to a sliver of paranoid anger. The acting and writing are amazing, with the very subtle but deliberate direction beyond outstanding in feeling real, emotional and tense. 6. The Act of Killing [Dir. Joshua Oppenheimer, Christine Cynn and Anonymous]This is easily one of the best and most horrifying documentaries ever made. The film interviews gangsters and mercenaries who ruthlessly murdered Communists as part of political cleansing back in the 50/60s. It’s one thing to watch a film about fictitious psychopaths, it’s another to listen and watch real monsters describe how joyously they took people’s lives without much remorse. The filmmaking by multiple parties is effective in its simplicity and framing, making this a documentary you will never forget. There was a follow up released in 2014 called The Look of Silence that took a more focused and personal route that’s worth watching, but this first film is the most emotionally wrecking. 5. Django Unchained [Dir. Quinten Tarantino]Quinten Tarantino effectively made a Spaghetti Western about Slavery to mock the foundations of institutional racism. While Django Unchained takes the matter seriously when it needs to, it mocks the white oppressors of the Great American Crime in ways others wouldn’t dare. It’s got the right balance of humor, drama, violence, action, social and cultural commentary and pure gusto filmmaking you expect from Tarantino. Plus having your cast be Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio, Samuel L Jackson and Kerry Washington at the top of their game helps a lot. Challenging and brilliant-it’s what we expect from this filmmaker. 4. Dredd [Dir. Pete Travis]The best action film of the year comes from the underappreciated reboot of the Judge Dredd character in this brutally violence thriller. Produced and written by Alex Garland (writer of 28 Days Later and Sunshine, future writer/director of Annihilation), starring Karl Urban as the title character and using the Die Hard story format-it’s awesome. The filmmaking is gory and awesome, perfectly crafted, Urban is one of the great actor/character casting decisions and it looks beautifully nasty. Many complaints have come from this being a “rip-off” of The Raid, despite being shot before The Raid, but both films are awesome and completely different entities. 3. Holy Motors [Dir. Leos Carax]Holy Motors is initially obtuse, but in the end is revealed to be a genuinely beautiful piece of art as cinematic expression. It's an arthouse French film that acts as a kind of “meta upon meta” reflection of old cinema and the new cinema. It's a gorgeously made and immensely well acted film that creates humor, drama, action, surrealism and pure emotion. At the end of the day, Holy Motors is nothing short of pure cinema as art. You'll want to re-watch this and do some research to truly appreciate it after the first watch. 2. Zero Dark Thirty [Dir. Kathryn Bigelow] You’d think reviving your career with The Hurt Locker would be a tough act to follow, but Kathryn Bigelow decided to make a superior film with the Osama Bin Laden investigation and assassination film Zero Dark Thirty. Utilizing the same realistic shooting style and procedural structure as her prior film for this dramatic thriller, Zero Dark Thirty easily remains one of the best modern military films of the 21st Century. Exploring the torture, tragic events, bureaucracy, violent complications and the famous Navy Seal raid for its climax: this movie isn’t about following a typically manufactured story-but the frustration in this manhunt. Jessica Chastain is truly perfect as the central stoic lead who is driven out of obsession and eventually anger to hunt down Osama, with Jason Clarke being a reliable supporting player. A lot of the cast including Mark Strong, Joel Edgerton and Chris Pratt get smaller roles, but pull it off admirably. The controversy over the torture scenes fails to understand that the film is showing the real (for better or worse) tactics US personnel performed to get information. And yes, the final 3rd act raid and shootout is a reminder that Kathryn Bigelow has always been a great action filmmaker. Zero Dark Thirty might not be spoken about enough today, but it’s easily one of the best films of the 21st Century. 1. Wolf Children [Dir. Mamoru Hosada]Films and art in general have a purpose of emotional engagement. When many “film critics” get bogged down into thinking the plot hole nerd parlor game is a real form of criticism-they overlook the emotional journey filmmakers give them throughout the story. Wolf Children is one of the most heartbreaking and life affirming pieces of animation I’ve ever seen. Even by the 15 minute mark I was crying. The story of a mother forced to raise werewolf children after losing their monstrous father and moving to a small Japanese town is the framing for themes of parental guidance, the environments which do and do not define ourselves, and the nature of growing up. The Japanese and English dubs are very good, but it's the executions of the animation, story and tone by Summer Wars director Mamoru Hosada that makes this easily the best film of the year. I recommend this to anyone of any age, and don’t let this being an anime keep you from experiencing it.
0 Comments
Written by Tyrone BruinsmaDishonorable Mentions: -Act of Valor [Dir. Mouse McCoy and Scott Waugh] -Aftershock [Nicolas Lopez] -Alex Cross [Dir. Rob Cohen] -The Amazing Adventures of the Living Corpse [Dir. Justin Paul Ritter] -The Amazing Spider-Man [Dir. Marc Webb] -Anna Karenina [Dir. Joe Wright] -Apartment 143 [Dir. Carles Torrens] -Argento's Dracula (Dracula 3D) [Dir. Dario Argento] -Atlas Shrugged: Part 2 [Dir. John Putch] -The Bourne Legacy [Dir. Tony Gilroy] -The Devil Inside [Dir. William Brent Bell] -The Expendables 2 [Dir. Simon West] -Fortress [Dir. Michael R. Phillips] -Gone [Dir. Heitor Dhalia] -The Guillotines [Dir. Andrew Lau] -Hope Springs [Dir. David Frankel] -The House at the End of the Street [Dir. Mark Tonderai] -Jurassic Shark [Dir. Brett Kelly] -Last Ounce of Courage [Dir. Darrel Campbell and Kevin McAfee] -Liz & Dick [Dir. Lloyd Kramer] -Lockout [Dir. Stephen Saint Leger and James Mather] -The Lorax [Dir. Chris Renaud] -The Lucky One [Dir. Scott Hicks] -Mermaids: The Body Found [Dir. Sid Bennett] -Mine Games [Dir. Richard Gray] -Mirror Mirror [Dir. Tarsem Singh] -The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure [Dir. Matthew Diamond] -Playback [Dir. Michael A. Nickles] -Red Dawn [Dir. Dan Bradley] -Silver Linings Playbook [Dir. David O. Russell] -Step Up 4: Miami Heat [Dir. Scott Speer] -Stolen [Dir. Simon West] -The Tall Man [Dir. Pascal Laugier] -This Means War [Dir. McG] -A Thousand Words [Dir. Brian Robbins] -Total Recall [Dir. Len Wiseman] -Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 [Dir. Bill Condon] -Underworld: Awakening [Dir. Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein] 10. Battleship [Dir. Peter Berg]In an attempt to self-plagiarize Michael Bay's Transformers franchise; Hasbro, Paramount and director Peter Berg made a worse version. While Peter Berg has directed great films with The Kingdom and Lone Survivor, his attempt to create the visual language and style of Bay feels like it comes from a lesser director. The alien space invasion plot combined with naval warfare is completely ridiculous, what was wrong with a World War 2 action film? Most of the cast was bland, but I did like Rihanna and real-life war veteran badass Gregory D. Gadson. And there is one cool scene of the characters ACTUALLY playing Battleship on a grid to target enemies. But overall, it’s badly made, poorly written and Liam Neeson is barely in the film. 9. Taken 2 [Dir. Olivier Megaton]I don’t think the first Taken was a good film, but the sequels nosedived so hard. The directing and editing for the action scenes are absolute garbage with the shaking camera and over editing, rendering all the action scenes a wash. The plot of the family from the original baddies looking for revenge seems to have nuance, and then just makes them boring villains with no depth. It’s action movie white noise and it really doesn't deserve the cast it has. I mean the most memorable part of the movie is when Neeson’s daughter is told to throw grenades around a city…that’s it. 8. The Hunger Games [Dir. Gary Ross]The Hunger Games film series to date has cost half a billion to make (not including marketing/promotional costs), made around $3 Billion in box office tickets and runs a total of 550 minutes/over 9 hours…and that added up to a franchise everyone’s forgotten. I TRIED to like this series, but the best parts were the “Hanging Tree” sequence from Mockingjay Part 1 and the sewer horror/action scene from Mockingjay Part 2. The 3 sequels by Francis Lawrence were at least well made, but the original film by Pleasantville director Gary Ross sucked. It was a horrid looking, poorly made, blandly written sci-fi action film which had been done better many times before. 2000’s Battle Royale is a better action film and social commentary surrounding the premise of “Children forced into Death Game”. The CGI for major moments looked awful, the rapid editing and shaking camera used to hide violence was awful and the story moves at such a slow pace. I’m hard pressed to figure out why mainstream culture bought into this over 3 years. There’s also a problem with the film coding its heroes as depression era blue collar workers and villains as…feminine and queer coded. I know the idea is the Romans feeding Christians to the lions (with multiple references to Roman culture), but they’re not dressed like them. The make-up and costume design resembles more of drag shows and fashion catwalks as opposed to togas. It comes off as suggesting that Women/Queer culture rules over “normal” people who need to fight back so their children won’t be in danger. I don't think this was at all intentional…but I’m curious as to why the design team chose this and if they regret it. It’s hard to praise the film as a strong woman story when our bland hero caught in a love triangle is a masculine coded character fighting against RuPaul’s Drag Race contestants. 7. Area 407 [Dir. Dale Fabrigar and Everette Wallin]The same year we got the decent found footage dinosaur film The Dinosaur Project, we also got this TERRIBLE found footage dinosaur film. Area 407 is easily one of the worst found footage films I’ve ever seen alongside The Gallows, Unfriended and Megan is Missing. The film follows a group of survivors after their plane crashes in the middle of nowhere and quickly realizes they're being pursued by dinosaurs. The dinosaurs are mostly portrayed through bad rubber props, bad slow motion shots and one out of place CGI dinosaur. The characters are complete idiots, the laws of geography are completely broken and any suspension of disbelief is impossible to engage with. There’s one moment where a character walks towards a camera facing them, picks it up, turns it around and suddenly there’s a giant T-Rex in front of them. That’s not how mise-en-scene and film geography works guys. 6. The Amazing Bulk [Dir. Lewis Schoenbrun]Here's one of those low budget, intentionally bad "so bad it's good" meme films that began to arise in the early 2010's. Intended as a "mockbuster" of Marvel's The Hulk (somewhat copying Ang Lee's adaptation), the film is a series of poorly acted, shot in a living room green screen shots with terrible compositing and nonsensical use of stock animated assets. It feels more amateur than either a tech demo or student film, it feels like someone gathered some friends and assets before slapping a movie together. Story? Incomprehensible. Compositing? Non-existent. Editing? Ditto. Performances? ...well they probably had more fun acting that I did watching. What's irritating is the director knows how to make competent movies. He directed the competently put together horror film Dr Chopper in 2005. He was even an assistant editor on Al Yankovic's UHF. I feel like he could've used the tools he had better. But hey, you wanna get drunk with some friends and laugh at a trashy movie? Go ahead. 5. That’s My Boy [Dir. Sean Anders] Adam Sandler has made some bad films in his time, there’s no doubt about it. Little Nicky, Jack and Jill and Pixels are all terrible works: but That’s My Boy is probably the worst of his filmography. This is a film which starts on a humorous depiction of statutory rape…yeah. The film starts with an adult teacher engaging in a sexual relationship with a child and the film depicts this as mostly funny until it wants to pretend this is serious. I know adult men with brain rot think this scenario is hot and they “wish it was them”, but the actual cases of this are predatory women grooming boys and rendering them incapable of thinking for themselves even as adults. Go watch the South Park episode “Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy” if you need an idea of how gross this sounds. After that is a series of non-funny scenes involving Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg, who were much better in the Hotel Transylvania movies. The film then also makes granny fiddler jokes and incest jokes…and it’s not funny. I don’t know what cocaine fueled brainstorming session conjured this film up, but it’s not funny. The point of a comedy is to be funny and this feels more like a disturbing thriller or Coen Brothers dark comedy made into an earnest attempt at humor. This movie sucks and everyone involved has done better. 4. Branded [Dir. Jamie Bradshaw and Aleksandr Dulerayn]Making a film criticizing consumerism and excess capitalism shouldn't be hard, but the Russian/American co-production ends up being a truly pretentious, bonkers and boring experience. This cheap looking film that somehow stars actual actors like Max Von Sydow is the most unsubtle and weirdly gross take on the problems of mass marketing and media by basically utilizing overweight models intsead of thin ones in marketing to symbolize the destruction of society by advertising. Our main protagonist is severely unlikable, gets stuck by lightning as a child which makes him a genius at marketing (but he's also really bad and unsuccessful at it too somehow) and at one-point bathes in the ashes of a cow...while also being able to talk to a cow in the sky Taurus who I think narrates the story. This movie poorly explains EVERYTHING in what appears to be terrible editing to attempt to make the terrible story and direction work. It all culminates in making advertisements into giant parasitic monsters fight each other at the end despite 90% of this film being the most boring talkie ever. It's almost weirdly respectable as a "so bad it's good"/"what were they thinking" film that still sucks. 3. Foodfight! [Dir. Lawrence Kasanoff]This movie's existence is one of those curses that happens when Hollywood money and deals are made; its escape into the world is sadly a guarantee. The film was a brainchild and decade long passion project of producer Lawrence Kasanoff. Working since the 80s, Kasanoff was an executive producer on films like Blood Diner, C.H.U.D 2, Blue Steel and A Gnome Named Gnorm. However, in the mid-90s he hit a minor hot streak by executively producing both James Cameron's box office hit True Lies and the acclaimed Kathryn Bigelow feature Strange Days, and being the hands-on producer of 1995's Mortal Kombat. The film was a big hit, with solid reviews and making over $120 Million on its modest $20 Million budget. However in 1997, Kasanoff's good luck quickly ran out as he produced the rushed cinematic disaster Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and became fixated on what would become Foodfight! Re-teaming with story writer and producer of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation Joshua Wexler, the duo created the pitch for an animated movie akin to Toy Story about a living supermarket with popular brands featured. Despite never directing or having any real experience in animation, Kasanoff decided to direct the film himself. Years later and after millions of dollars in deals, guarantees and expenses: the footage was reportedly stolen in 2002 in an act that Kasanoff himself describes as "Industrial Espionage". No thief was ever found. Restarting in 2004, Kasnoff decided to change the film's animation style from Looney Toon-esque to motion capture. Both of these decisions would not end well. In 2005, Lionsgate made a deal to distribute. But after release dates in 2005 and 2007 were missed: Lionsgate and investors weren't happy. By 2011, the film was auctioned off for $2.5 Million-with a clause in contract permitting an in-expensive completion and release. By 2012, copyright was secured and the film quietly released in the UK and Europe, before seeing a smaller release in the US the following year. It was quickly discovered by YouTube commentators as a horrifying and bizarre film that's often been called the Worst Animated Feature Film of All Time. Call me skeptical, but I'm not entirely sure the film was stolen. With the film's trouble production post "theft", I think someone in the production likely wanted to ditch the project as it was failing-but too much money was pumped into it to stop and no studio oversight to see it stay dead. And let's not mince words people: Foodfight! absolutely is the worst animated feature film I've ever seen. The motion capture animation is abysmal with horrible looking designs, gross imagery, stiff models and janky animations. There's no sense of direction or cohesion, Kasanoff made a "kids" film for himself with inappropriate sexualised visuals for children (it's almost fitting he voices a character who looks like crap). The script is nothing more than terrible food pun versions of classic quotes and cheesy one liners. Keep in mind that this film had 5 writers; one of the writers wrote for animated shows like Batman: The Animated Series and The Smurfs, and another has done written work on video games like Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, Tales from the Borderlands and Halo 4. It also wasn't cast with unknowns or the usual suspects in bad animated films; this has recognizable names like Charlie Sheen, Wayne Brady, Hillary Duff, Eva Longoria, Christopher Lloyd, Chris Kattan, Jerry Stiller, Harvey Fierstein and Cloris Leachman. Eva Longoria and Christopher Lloyd are the only ones I can say do "good" voice work, but the animations and models kill their characters. I can't verify if their voice acting occurred during the initial 1997-2002 run or post 2004 restart (God, I hope it wasn't in 2011), but Charlie Sheen got the short end of the stick with a lead character who speaks entirely in catchphrases. Oh, and did I mention this movie that runs on flimsier logic than Sausage Party, follows a cliche detective mystery story (with nazi imagery, likely racist caricatures and no real explanation) for an hour before going into a painfully long "epic battle" that lasts 30 minutes and is full of repeated shots? Because it does. And then ends on the most inconceivable "twist". It's an embarrassment, and Kasnoff has smartly drifted from it. After committing to the project (and producing the 1999 version of Beowulf), he went quiet for a while. He executively produced cheap animated films like Bionicle; the Legend Reborn, a bunch of Lego movies and apparently a Bobbleheads movie I've never heard of? His only major recent work was being a grandfathered in executive producer of the 2021 Mortal Kombat film reboot (after trying to claim he did more for the characters than NetherRealm Studio have in their games. Ha!). At the end of the day, Foodfight! is his sole directorial credit and an abomination of cinema. 2. Piranha 3DD [Dir. John Gulager]And here’s the worst excuse of a horror film that came out in 2012. Largely created by the team behind the Feast trilogy (of which only the first one was any good) and a writer largely behind terrible direct to DVD horror sequels-Piranha 3DD is one of the worst horror films I’ve ever seen. The prior film Piranha 3D was a well-crafted, righteously violent and debauched film which did justice to the long dormant Roger Corman made Jaws rip-off. But this film opens with a cow carcass farting piranha eggs before we see Gary Busey bite a Piranha’s head off as he’s eaten alive. What proceeds for the next slog of 80 minutes is a film that forgets the continuity of the prior film, fills it with terrible sexual humor and awful kills in some attempt to one-up the pitch perfect exploitation vibe of the first film. Yes movie, I totally wanted to see a scene of a baby piranha swimming up a woman’s uterus to grow bigger so when she as sex-it bites a guy’s junk off. David Hasselhoff appears in this to do nothing while the returning Christopher Floyd does the same. The movie even ends with two awful kills, one being a child coldly run over by a golf cart and someone being decapitated by plastic ribbon. I can appreciate a horror comedy or exploitation style bad taste movie: but this has all the hallmarks of why the Feast sequels failed. It’s just gory, stupid nonsense that just annoys the audience and wastes their time. This movie just sucks and is easily the worst horror film of 2012. 1. Last Ounce of Courage [Dir. Darrel Campbell and Kevin McAfee]I feel like Kirk Cameron watched this movie to get ideas for his 2014 abomination Saving Christmas. Here's a piece of right-wing American propaganda that promotes lies, misinformation and nonsense in the name of "Proud Christian American Patriotism". It's a film about an imagined persecution using the cliche lies of "War on Christmas", churches forced to removed crosses and Jesus being censored...you know...those things that never happen. Its acting, directing, narrative, music, editing and intent/message is so terrible you'd swear that it was a parody of propaganda. But no, this film sincerely believes that the War on Christmas is a real thing (instead of something conservatives made up to pretend to be angry) and that showing soldiers dying to an unwitting audience is a true way to convey the message of Christmas and American pride. The people who made and believe this nonsense need psychological help, because this is truly the worst film of 2012.
|
Tyrone BruinsmaThis is the Official Blog/Magazine for filmmaker, writer and content producer Tyrone Bruinsma Categories
All
|