Written by Tyrone BruinsmaDishonorable Mentions: -Apocalypto [Dir. Mel Gibson] -Beautiful Dreamer [Dir. Terri Farley-Teruel] -Behind Enemy Lines II: Axis of Evil [Dir. James Dodson] -The Benchwarmers [Dir. Dennis Dugan] -The Breed [Dir. Nicholas Mastandrea] -Click [Dir. Frank Coraci] -The Covenant [Dir. Renny Harlin] -The Da Vinci Code [Dir. Ron Howard] -Earthstorm [Dir. Terry Cunnigham] -The Eden Formula (Tyrannosaurus Wrecks) [Dir. John Carl Buechler] -Eragon [Dir. Stefen Fangmeier] -Facing the Giants [Dir. Alex Kendrick] -Failure to Launch [Dir. Tom Dey] -Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties [Dir. Tim Hill] -A Good Year [Dir. Ridley Scott] -Happily N'Ever After [Paul J. Bolger and Yvette Kaplan] -Living Death [Dir. Erin Berry] -London [Dir. Hunter Richards] -Macbeth [Dir. Geoffrey Wright] -The Omen [Dir. John Moore] -The Pink Panther [Dir. Shawn Levy] -Pulse [Dir. Jim Sonzero] -Ring Around the Rosie (Fear Itself: Dark Memories) [Dir. Rubi Zack] -RV [Dir. Barry Sonnenfeld] -Scary Movie 4 [Dir. David Zucker] -See No Evil [Dir. Gregory Dark] -16 Blocks [Dir. Richard Donner] -Stay Alive [Dir. William Brent Bell] -Superman Returns [Dir. Bryan Singer] -Ten 'til Noon [Dir. Scott Storm] -Tristan and Isolde [Dir. Kevin Reynolds] -UKM: Ultimate Killing Machine [Dir. David Mitchell] -Ultraviolet [Dir. Kurt Wimmer] -When a Stranger Calls [Dir. Simon West] -Zoom [Dir. Peter Hewitt] 10. Cars [Dir. John Lasseter]Yes, Pixar has a great track record. From 1995 to 2010-they made films that are either classics or beloved animated works. Except for Cars. Cars is a gorgeous looking film with a great cast, that honestly puts me to sleep. If this was a story purely about racing, it would've been great. The races that bookend the film are pretty engaging, but most of the film is just our milk-toast lead bumming around Radiator Springs. Also, while Pixar has made worlds where toys are alive and monsters use children's screams for energy, Cars is the most nonsensical. It takes itself to seriously, it a snore of a film and is the kind of film you shouldn't think too much about. Also, controversial opinion: Cars 2 is the best in the franchise because at least it knows it's stupid. 9. Turistas [Dir. John Stockwell]After the promising adventure film Into the Blue, John Stockwell made essentially a worse version of Eli Roth's Hostel. Capitalizing on "tourist horror", Turistas fails in any degree of cultural examination or exploitative thrill Roth's film provided and instead goes a bland and ugly looking horror thriller about black-market organs harvesting. Reading Stockwell's own inspiration for the story, he completely missed the point of whatever he was trying to achieve. It's not scary, chilling, psychologically nuanced and the red flag was how the first kill was achieved through bad CGI. The actors are ok, but other than that-it's not good. 8. The Texas Chainsaw: The Beginning [Dir. Jonathan Liebesman] The 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a genuinely good film and either the 3rd or 2nd best film in the series. Unfortunately, the prequel to that remake is one of the worst of the series. It takes the intense gore and makes it gross, makes the politics needlessly overt and undercuts a lot of the power in the original. It sometimes looks good thanks to its director, but it's a pointless film that put the series to bed for 7 years. 7. X-Men: The Last Stand [Dir. Brett Ratner]Because Bryan Singer left X-Men 3 to do the boring Superman Returns, one of the other boring directors in contention for that film; Brett Ratner go tapped to do The Last Stand. And it sucked. Brett Ratner is mostly known for the Rush Hour films and while he's made two good films in Red Dragon and Hercules-most of his output sucks. This terrible attempt at a trilogy conclusion bastardized the Phoenix Saga comic storyline into a generic bad mid-2000s blockbuster. The performances, writing, VFX, action and storyline all end up as lackluster: made worse by the potential. The question of whether or not The Last Stand is bad is the wrong question, the real question is whether this or 2019's Dark Phoenix is worse. Although I will say, I enjoy Vinne Jones as the Juggernaut just saying "I'm the Juggernaut bitch!" 6. The Wild [Dir. Steve Williams]A year after we got the solid and memorable Madagascar from Dreamworks, Disney put out this ugly and boring attempt to copy it. The Wild feels like a bunch of different boring story ideas that got tossed out and merged into this childish and cynical animated film. Despite a solid voice cast, the film has no real sense of pacing, humor or point. It feels like something Disney should've put direct to DVD at the time or sold to another company because this is not up to the studio's standard. 5. Basic Instinct 2 [Dir. Michael Caton-Jones]The original Basic Instinct from 1992 was a box office smash, a controversial work that entered the cultural zeitgeist and remains a film worth watching. But Basic Instinct 2 is none of those. A sequel made 14 years after the original that bombed with critics and the box office: it's honestly surprising how bad and boring it is. No thrills, no surprises, no real sexiness or even shocking twist. It largely feels like a retread of the first film with all the good parts taken out. The debate on whether or not Catherine Trammel's bisexuality has been removed is a good or bad thing is about the only worthwhile talking point. Otherwise, it's just a competently shot film with bland performances while Sharon Stone gives a bad one. 4. The Wicker Man [Dir. Neil LaBute] The original 1973 The Wicker Man is one of the best horror films ever made alongside Jaws, Alien, The Shining and The Descent. But this infamous 2006 remake starring Nicolas Cage is an abomination. It has stupid characters, unnecessary cliche scares that are unintentionally hilarious and provides very little in the way of an engaging story. The attempt at gender commentary falls flat, with the original film's complex discussion on religion and free will being far superior. And as for the "Not the Bees" meme scene in the extended DVD cut...yeah it's funny but still god awful. It remains one of the worst remakes of all time. 3. Zyzzyx Road [Dir. John Penney]This film made $30 at the US box office. Not $30 Million or $30'000. $30. For the price a family KFC meal, you could've made the gross US box office results of this film. Zyzzyx road is a very small-scale low budget thriller that managed to get two decent named in Katherine Heigel and Tom Sizemore, but its confusing plot and far to obvious filmmaking are a disaster. What could've been a fun, nasty little bottle thriller-is instead a cheap feeling thriller with the cliche ending you're probably thinking. Its filmmaking is amateur, the narrative ends up not making sense by the end and it tells rather than shows. While Sizemore is decent, Leo Grillo as the protagonist feels like a low-rent William Shatner and Katherine Heigel is inconsistent or annoying. Weirdly...I'd expect better from John Penny who wrote decent work like The Kindred, Return of the Living Dead III, Contaminated Man and Amphibious. But this movie's US box office is the perfect joke for it, in that it looks like it cost that much...and didn't even deserve that. 2. Bloodrayne [Dir. Uwe Boll]If Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead were basic trash media, Uwe Boll's follow up in Bloodrayne is incomprehensible trash media with inexplicably good actors involved. This movie has no idea what lore or vampire mythology it’s trying to create and has no real pace for large parts of it. The “action” is pathetic, it’s not a horror film, the editing is sloppy and the concept of direction evades the angry German filmmaker. But seriously, how does this movie have a cast including: Ben Kingsley, Michelle Roderiguez, Billy Zane, Michael Madsen and the late Meatloaf? I know Madsen does this cheap garbage nowadays, but he was just in the Kill Bill movies and Sin City around the same time-why’d he star in this? Better questions, why does this movie exist and how did it get TWO sequels? 1. Lady in the Water [Dir. M. Night Shyamalan]Lady in the Water was an ego project for M. Night Shyamalan. After The Village removed his bulletproof directorial image-he decided to make a fairy tale that boiled down to him saying "I'm amazing and you all just don't get it". While Disney didn't understand or care for it, they were willing to bank roll the film. But because they didn't get it-Shyamalan threw a tantrum and took it to Warner Brothers who bankrolled it. The end product is one of the worst films he's ever made. Lady in the Water is a film whose tone and narrative beats fit that of a children's movie, but the dialogue and eventual themes fit that of a more mature story. It bounces between fantasy adventure, monster/horror film, quirky comedy and meta film all in one-with no cohesion. This a film where a character literally named Story explains that the writer character played by M. Night himself will go on to make great work. No subtlety. It's not well acted (but the script gives them nothing to work with), inherently silly despite the serious tone, shot awkwardly and just exists to comfort the director.
I'm all for artistic freedom and auteur visions, but when you put work this personal out there-you need to be ready for criticism. Especially if a work only boils down to an edge lord teenage version of "I'm so great, you just don't understand". Shyamalan has made great films; I think Unbreakable is his masterpiece. But he's also made some truly bad films and three of them have been metaphors for people not appreciating his work and genius. It's sad, because the passion he put into a shallow vanity project could've been used to make something better. And yes, it is the worst film of 2006.
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Written by Tyrone BruinsmaHonorable Mentions: -Abominable [Dir. Ryan Schifrin] -Altered [Dir. Eduardo Sanchez] -An Inconvenient Truth [Dir. Davis Guggenheim] -Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon [Dir. Scott Glosserman] -Black Book [Dir. Paul Verhoeven] -The Black Dahlia [Dir. Brian De Palma] -Black Sheep [Dir. Jonathan King] -Blood Diamond [Dir. Edward Zwick] -Borat! Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan [Dir. Larry Charles] -Bug [Dir. William Friedkin] -Cinderella [Dir. Bong Man-dae] -Cocaine Cowboys [Dir. Billy Corben] -The Da Vinci Code (Extended Edition) [Dir. Ron Howard] -Danika [Dir. Ariel Vromen] -Deja Vu [Dir. Tony Scott] -Dhoom 2 [Dir. Sanjay Gadhvi] -DOA: Dead or Alive [Dir. Corey Yuen] -Dixie Chicks: Shut Up and Sing [Dir. Barbara Kopple and Cecilia Peck] -Factory Girl [Dir. George Hickenlooper] -Fearless [Dir. Ronny Yu] -The Girl Who Leapt Through Time [Dir. Mamoru Hosoda] -The Good Shepherd [Dir. Robert De Niro] -A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints [Dir. Dito Montiel] -Hard Candy [Dir. David Slade] -Happy Feet [Dir. George Miller] -The Hoax [Dir. Lasse Hallstrom] -Inland Empire [Dir. David Lynch] -Inside Man [Dir. Spike Lee] -Kokoda [Dir. Alister Grierson] -The Last King of Scotland [Dir. Kevin Macdonald] -Miss Potter [Dir. Chris Noonan] -Mulberry Street [Dir. Jim Mickle] -Offside [Dir. Jafar Panahi] -Omkara [Dir. Vishal Bhardwaj] -Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest [Dir. Gore Verbinski] -Renaissance (Paris 2054: Renaissance) [Dir. Christian Volckman] -Rescue Dawn [Dir. Wener Herzog] -Running Scared [Dir. Wayne Kramer] -Saw 3 [Dir. Darren Lynn Bousman] -A Scanner Darkly [Dir. Richard Linklater] -Sisters [Dir. Douglas Buck] -Slither [Dir. James Gunn] -Snakes on a Plane [Dir. David R. Ellis] -Son of the Dragon [Dir. David Wu] -United 93 [Dir. Paul Greengrass] -V for Vendetta [Dir. James McTeigue] -Wilderness [Dir. M.J. Bassett] -The Wind That Shakes the Barley [Dir. Ken Loach] 20. Silent Hill [Dir. Christophe Gans]Standing amongst the best video game film adaptations like 1995's Mortal Kombat, 2016's Warcraft, 2018's Rampage and 2019's Detective Pikachu: Silent Hill is a real treat. From the director of Brotherhood of the Wolf, the film is a great visual and atmospheric showcase for the world of Silent Hill on screen. While it takes elements from the first and second game, it comes into its own as a creepy and often chilling horror film, only let down by a few mandated studio changes. It's still a great horror film, and even the 2012 sequel is fun in a junky way. I'm excited for Christophe Gans to return to the series. 19. Crank [Dir. Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor]Crank is one of those pure bonkers action films we need more of. A film about a gangster given a drug that will kill him if his heart rate drops-he goes out to kill and keep killing those who went after him until he dies. The film is never slow, is incredibly well-crafted for the somewhat low budget, has a variety of fun action beats and is as cranked as its lead performed with dedication by Jason Statham. I wish the directors' follow up works were as close to the quality of this film-but it's hard to beat this level of controlled madness. 18. Severance [Dir. Christopher Smith]After making Creep, director Christopher Smith made a truly wicked horror comedy that would best be described as The Office meets Deliverance. A commentary on 2000's corporate life, weapons dealing, the effects of war in Europe and human fallibility-the film is equally hilarious and disturbing in all the right way. The British cast are excellent in their unique characters, the escalation of events is well paced, and this is just a better version of The Belko Experiment from 2017. if you've ever wanted to see your favorite sitcom working characters in an actual horror film-this is the closest you'll ever get. 17. Hostel [Dir. Eli Roth]After his successful debut Cabin Fever (and rejecting offers to direct remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Last House on the Left) Eli Roth made the ultra-violent cousin to Saw, Hostel. A film that's more a metaphor for Hell in seeking sinful behavior, American ignorance to foreign customs and the dangerous secrets in the world. The cast does a solid job, the body horror isn't as overt as you'd think until the end (but is still gruesome through implication) and the efficient storytelling works. The sequel might not be as perfectly constructed, but it trades the hell and ignorance metaphor for toxic capitalism. And for the record, I hated this film the first time I saw it. 16. The Departed [Dir. Martin Scorsese]The film that finally earned Martin Scorsese a Best Picture and Director Oscar win. While it's not the best film in his amazing legacy, it's still on balance one of the better 21st century Mob films that doubles as a great East-to-West remake of Infernal Affairs. This is such a great cast firing on all cylinders, navigates a complex enough story with American politics unafraid to enter and even has quite a few good beats of action. It's not the master's best-but it's still an awesome crime drama. 15. Miami Vice [Dir. Michael Mann]Michael Mann reinvents the tv series he created in the 80's for the modern era. While dismissed in its time for not having as much action as desired by general audiences, they ignored the fact that it's a beautiful, mature, more an art house film with great scenes of action, tension and romance. The visual execution borrowed from Collateral feels so visceral and real, the violence and action are darkly brutal and its story is extremely effective. The performances are mostly muted but effective, with Colin Farrell and Gong Li being the stars amongst a star-studded cast. Plus, this is a movie that starts with Jay Z's remix of Linkin Park's Numb-so it's an instant recommend. 14. Taxidermia [Dir. György Pálfi]Part of the European Extremity movement that also gave us Human Centipede, A Serbian Film, Irreversible etc: Taxidermia is satirical body horror artwork that commentates on Hungary's political history. A commentary on Fascism, Communism, Capitalism and the human body's ability to rebel against those forms of government in possibly ineffective ways is a masterstroke of visual storytelling. It's also a film full of gross and perverted imagery that might be too much for some people. But that's why I love extreme films like this. If you've got the stomach for extreme hyper-visceral art, go for it. 13. The Hills Have Eyes [Dir. Alexandre Aja] From the director of High Tension comes both one of the best horror remakes of the 2000s and a genuinely excellent horror film in its own right. This ultra-graphic re-invention of Wes Craven's classic The Hills Have Eyes is at once an ultra-glossy and well-made exploitation gore fest, and a commentary on America's relationship to war, family values, perceived righteousness and violence. The cast is committed, Aja is a born horror filmmaker with a great use of direction and it's the right kind of bad taste horror by a major studio. It's just a shame the sequel sucked. 12. Shortbus [Dir. John Cameron Mitchell]Criticized as merely porn by its detractors, Shortbus is a film about people's sexual natures intertwining. Less a traditionally constructed drama, and more of a slice of life or cinema verité about people just going through their days and lives-with a focus on sex. The sex is unsimulated, meaning the actors were actually having sex and it largely helps the authentic feel of the film. While characters grow and change through mini arcs-it's not done in a cliche manner. The cast is great, the direction makes it feel real and it's a great little story about sex. 11. The Fountain [Dir. Darren Aronofsky] One of Darren Aronofsky's most ambitious works, The Fountain is a film about the unattainable and the destructive, yet transcendent experience one will go to obtain it. Hugh Jackman is really in sync with the story and committed to the vision-bringing true humanity to what might otherwise be a blank faced story for other actors. The visuals are amazing and it's just something that can only be experienced by watching and not by words. Seek this out. 10. The Host [Dir. Bong Joon-ho]Before he made Snowpiercer and Parasite, Bong Joon-ho made one of the best monster films of the 21st century. The Host is a film that works as a terrifying monster movie, darkly comedic romp and political commentary. The VFX work is stellar, the entire cast is committed to the emotional beats, the story move at a good pace and the monster itself is expertly handled. It's another great reminder of how good South Korean cinema is. 9. The Lives of Others [Dir. Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck]This Cold War voyeuristic spy film set in East Berlin is one of the best spy films of the modern era, and doesn't need explosions to show it. It's a film drenched in the history and politics of its time, but showcasing the humans behind it instead of a faceless entity. The performances are powerfully handled, the filmmaking is nigh flawless and its incredibly tense without so much as a gunshot going off. If you love Bridge of Spies or Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy-I highly recommend this. 8. The Prestige [Dir. Christopher Nolan]Often overlooked by modern audiences in Nolan's now blockbuster laden filmography, The Prestige is a magic trick of a film brought to life. Narratively robust and complex, performed with a flair and delivers on being a genuinely riveting film. The entire cast is stellar, with Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale as the opposing leads doing an amazing job at maintaining a believable rivalry. The eventual narrative reveal in conjunction with the theme is one of Nolan's biggest successes as a filmmaker and you should seek this out. 7. Curse of the Golden Flower [Dir. Zhang Yimou]Take the director of Hero and House of the Flying Daggers and give him a Chinese historical epic inspired by Shakespeare's Hamlet-and you've got a masterpiece. One of the most visually insane and gorgeous films of the 21st Century, Curse of the Golden Flower is inter-familial drama done right on an epic scale. The cast is great, with Gong Li being the star of the show. The writing and pacing are great, but it's the action, visuals and cinematography which put to shame most of the competition even today. 6. Little Children [Dir. Todd Field]Todd Field to date has only directed 3 films between In the Bedroom, Tar and Little Children. All his films have been acclaimed by critics for the right reasons. Little Children is a drama that isn't boring, cliche or shallow: it has richly detailed characters, a great sense of pacing, amazing score and electric filmmaking. Every single actor here does great work between Kate Winslet, Patrick Wilson, Jennifer Connelly and Jackie Earl Haley. Never seen it? Don't look up anything about it and just watch. 5. Casino Royale [Dir. Martin Campbell]After the critical failing of Die Another Day, James Bond got a stellar reboot in the Batman Begins model by bringing back Martin Campbell who did the same think with Goldeneye. Casino Royale is the best Bond film to date in terms of capturing the Bond character, modernizing him and giving us scenes of action. This really is the best big budget Hollywood blockbuster from 2006, backed by amazing effects, stunt work and production values. The performances are awesome, with Daniel Craig easily being the best Bond and Eva Green as a killer equal. Everything about Casino Royale rocks. 4. Children of Men [Dir. Alfonso Cuaron] After making the best Harry Potter film, Alfonzo Cuaron made his best film with this dystopian future in which humans cannot reproduce. Managing to reflect then current politics (and the world now), Children of Men is one of the most realistic feeling sci-fi films that comments on art, xenophobia, war and does so almost purely via visual storytelling. The cinematography of this film is some of the best you'll see-with long takes following characters, action or even detaching to show you the world. The cast is solid, but it's ultimately made by its low-key script and visual perfection. 3. Jesus Camp [Dir. Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady]For those who've observed the behavior of America-Jesus Camp acts as a prophetic look on why and how many groups and individuals turned out the way they did. This disturbing documentary shows just one example of toxic Evangelical Christianity creating warmongering, xenophobic, violent and radicalized people...specifically children in the wake of 9/11. It's not a flashy or intrusive documentary, because it doesn't need to be. Its subject is so uncomfortable to watch. So, if you've ever wondered how the likes of Donald Trump, QAnon, the Alt-Right, Anti-Progressive Bigots, Conservative Pundits and alike came to prominence...this film is a haunting example of why. 2. Paprika [Dir. Satoshi Kon]The late Satoshi Kon made many masterpieces in his time, with Paprika being the last feature film he directed. Influential on Inception, the story is about a woman who interacts with people's dreams. But it's easily the most visually engaging and emotionally stirring version of that example. Satoshi Kon was a master of writing, animation and editing and created some of his best work here. Paprika is a complete experience of a film, to the point that I would recommend this to everyone-even if you're not an animation fan. 1. Pan’s Labyrinth [Dir. Guillermo Del Toro]This remains Guillermo Del Toro's masterpiece. Pan's Labyrinth is a multilayered dark fairy tale that not only gives us a hauntingly beautiful story, but also our relationship to classic stories, fantasy and fairy tales. It's effectively a film about the importance of disobedience: both in narratives and in defying fascist tyranny. While most fairy tales have disobedience as a pure punishment, in this film-it's regarded as an important trait. The war setting and narrative colliding with monsters and secrets worlds is one of the best executions of the form. Everything about the production is great: the cinematography, practical and digital effects, production designs, use of violence and performances. It's one of the few films I would call-Perfect.
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